Very Real Talk: We had a miscarriage – this is why I want to talk about it

We had a miscarriage.

I just wanted to pull that bandage off quickly. I know you usually come to this site for fun stories about my wife, Ami and my son, Alex…but every once in a while – I kind of go into serious topics.

So – yeah. Our family was expecting a second child. And on February 25 – we learned we lost it. I’m not writing what will likely be me rambling for a little bit to make you feel bad for me. I have two reasons. It helps me to write about things and I don’t want other people who have gone through this horrible experience to think they are alone.

When I met Ami outside of her doctor’s office the day we found out…the first thing she did was tried to blame herself. She was wondering what she did wrong. Let me be clear. She didn’t do anything wrong. She was the model of what you should do as a pregnant woman. She stopped taking prescription medicine that would have put an unborn baby in any potential danger, she took vitamins, and she ate a whole box of cereal in one day.

It crushed me when we found out. But it beyond crushed me to know that she thought she did something wrong. We are both hurting…and that’s okay. But I didn’t want her hurting – and blaming herself. And I don’t believe she does at this point.

Another area that’s been hard is with our son Alex. He’s a sweet sweet kid…when he’s fed and not too tired. As soon as we found out we’ve been building him up to be a big brother. Telling him about ‘little brother or sister in mommy’s tummy.’ He owned it too. He would always talk about it. Offer up his name ideas. Talk about feeding the baby. We had to explain to him this baby wasn’t coming. And man…that was hard. Harder than I ever imagined.

Ami and I are adults – and we understand what’s happening. We can process it with adult emotions.

Before you are a parent you can’t imagine how hard that side of it is. You think it will be hard waking up early and trying to clean up the endless mess that is your home. That is nothing compared to the emotional side. When we found out, there was a series of appointments with my wife’s doctor. When we went, Alex would ask if the baby was coming – because he knew this was the baby doctor. That was heartbreaking.

On the topic of doctors. Dr. Banks with UAP in Terre Haute, Indiana – the most wonderful doctor I could ever imagine. This was such a hard process and she was patient, compassionate, and just so nice.

The day before my son Alex’s birthday, February 28 (he’s a Leap Day kiddo!) my wife went in for a “D&C” to help finish the process. That day was so hard. Ami says she feels empty. I can’t imagine.

In doing my endless research on miscarriages…we learned just how common it is. You never hear about them because…well, I am not entirely sure. Maybe it hurts too much to talk about it the couple feels like the failed. But if you are a woman reading this…please don’t think you are alone or you are to blame. You aren’t.

I also want to thank our little support system. We let a few close friends and family know we were pregnant. When we found out we lost it – they were all so wonderful.

This new child wasn’t planned. We always kind of had an “if it happens it happens” attitude with a second child. With that said – we do want to have a second child now.

Here’s to looking ahead and keeping a positive attitude…because at the end of the day…I am already so incredibly lucky to have Ami and Alex. I will always call having those two a win.

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